The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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