you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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