Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
