I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
