made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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