You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
