btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
