I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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