I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just want to make out with him forever
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
