A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Too much gin, very little bucket
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I need water and some morals
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
