Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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