Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
