Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
