So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
