i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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