i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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