Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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