Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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