yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The beer is more important than you right now.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
