All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
