Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
