I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
