Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
