her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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