saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
