"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
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Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You pole danced in your parka.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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