Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
