She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
