After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
