drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am available for nakedness
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
