I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
