so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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