I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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