i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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