he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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