I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
