I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
