i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
