Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
