I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
