Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
