He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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