I want to have your abortion
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
the liver wants what the liver wants
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
