I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
