I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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