Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
