when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The air was thick with penises
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
