what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
