before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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