Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
