My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
