My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
