Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
