I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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