pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
