This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
