It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
