apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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