Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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