i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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