These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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